To Paris, With Love
Meet Paris, who is now one of my busiest ambassadors for my YOU ARE ENOUGH mental health campaign. I am sharing part of her story about how she suffered with self- worth, loneliness, and feeling invisible. She is fortunate to have her mother, Shavay, who was at her side and helped her get into a mental health hospital when Paris wanted to give up. She is now working as a counselor at a horse camp called the Compton Cowboys where she continues to heal and grow.
I AM ENOUGH
Written by Paris Scott, A Survivor
When you see the blood dripping from your arm, that slight pain, that minor release from the numb feeling you’re stuck living in, gives you pleasure. That pleasure gives you strength and in that moment, you truly feel that you’re enough. You feel that you are worth it, like the world is your oyster. That pleasure then fades quickly and you’re back in that numb state, where you feel nothing, where the earth doesn’t spin, and everything seems so bleak. That’s when your life fades back to black. And living seems purposeless.
“Paris, come down the stairs, it’s time to go!” she calls up to you, yelling in the frustration of the morning. You get an attitude and then realize that the “she” is your mother Shavay, and if you give any type of back talk or attitude she will raise hell. You respond with a quick and quiet “Coming,” and rush to clean up the bloody mess you caused in the bathroom. You wet your face just a little so you look more alive than dead. You practice your fake smile, so you can get used to the fact that you have to smile through the numbness because. Not only are you numb to the painful memories and emotions but the good ones as well. You aren’t depressed or sad. you’re just there. Existing! Not living nor dying but merely surviving. But even then you have no means of survival because you wanted to numb the pain so you’ve numbed your reason for wanting to be alive as well. That’s why you slice your arms with razors so deep that you feel something. You’ve been numb for so long that you hate it and would give anything just to feel. So you slice and slice and slice until you’re bleeding like crazy, just for that moment of release. Another realization pops in your head and you notice that you’re reading a story and that the story isn’t yours but mine.
I am now in a mental health hospital and my advisor one day asks me why I am here. I reply, what do you want from me? You want to know why I’m here. I’ll tell you why I’m here. I’m here because I’m alone and have been crying out for help for months and no one hears me. I drown in my own tears every day and night and I’m suffocated by my own thoughts with no one to grab the pillow off me. My disease kills me each and every day and not one person wants to reach out and grab my hand as I continue to hang from the cliff I’m on. Instead of discussing it, I chose to numb it and I chose to not feel the pain not realizing it would numb the best parts of me as well. #mentalhealth #worthiness
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